Big Ten (Gets a) Beatdown

I've been asked for my thoughts on the 2009 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, aka "The Big Dance," "March Madness," etc.

Sadly, I am, through no fault of my own, not qualified to speak to this most important of all present-day American issues.

The fault, dear Brutus, lies not with me but rather with my DVR.

The Family, as demanding a group of two women as you will ever see, requested my presence at the Detroit Zoological Park (henceforth to be known as "The Zoo") yesterday afternoon when they knew that by all rights I should have been doing what everyone in America who still has a Far-See device was doing which is watching college basketball on TV. Also and furthermore, they knew I did not want to go to The Zoo, of course, but they also knew that if I didn't go I'd start asking myself what kind of father was I who didn't suck it up and go along? A pretty shitty one, right? And who wants to live with that? Talk about having no good options. Besides, we got some terrific pictures of the Tigers and a couple of nice shots of the family standing in front of some camels, so how 'ya gonna beat that?

Upon departure, I set the DVDVO to record the game I cared about the most, the one involving my Michigan State Spartans and the spoiled, fancy-pant Trojans of the University of California. I thought MSU might be in for it. I know a lot of people were putting them down this year but I think the PAC-10 is a quality conference and as you know, the Trojans and Spartans have been having at it since the Peloponnesian War. So, how could this not be a great match up?

When we got home and once the bickering subsided I got ready to watch the big game. (Bickering is all part of Family Fun, I don't have to tell you that. In fact, we say around here that it's not Family Fun until somebody is either bleeding or crying or both.) I went to what used to be the video tape but which is now Digital God Knows What inside the remote box and began to watching. Actually, I prefer to watch most of my sports on DVD these days. The ads and the stupid halftime show? You can flash through them while at the same time spending as much time as you care to freeze-framing or slow-mowing those lovely USC Song Girls, who, if you ask me, did not in my view rack up nearly enough air time on the CBS broadcast. Hell, if they'd have put those gals on a split-screen from start to finish, I, for one, would not have bitched in the least. But, the bottom when it comes to the DVD is this: If it's a sporting event, if you want to make sure you get the whole thing, make sure you record the the program which appears after it on the program guide. It's the only way. The machine doesn't know the game is running beyond the time alloted and the maching doesn't give a damn.

So there I am in a 65-65 tie, 5:51 left, and all of a sudden I'm watching 60 Goddamn Minutes. W.T.F? I mean, I'm as big a fan of Andy Rooney as the next guy, but did I mention the Song Girls and the game being tied late in the second half?

All I could do was switch to ESPN, wait for the crawl, and hope for the best. Turned out to be good news, MSU won 74-69. I wonder if it was exciting. While I was waiting I did notice that the US was getting in butt kicked by Japan in the penultimate game of the World Baseball Classic so tonight it's gonna be Japan against One of the Korea's in the Championship game and I wonder why in the hell we're getting whipped by a country whose ass we whipped in WWII which happened to have really counted as opposed to baseball which really doesn't, but that, I suppose, is another topic for another time.

What is distressing is to see the Big Ten go 6-5 in the first two rounds of the tourney while seeing five of their seven teams in the NCAA fail to advance beyond the second round (three of them KO'd in the first). Most disappointing of all, to me, was Illinois. I really thought they'd have a bit of a run. The Illini finished near the top of the Big Ten (ur, 11) and played MSU the last week of the season in what was a hell of a game, one which could have gone either way. So to see Illinois humbled by Western Kentucky the way they were was a surprise.

Also, Gus Johnson sucks. He was the CBS announcer for each of the two MSU games and spent most of his time Friday night creaming all over himself hoping for a Robert Morris upset. Everything the Colonels did they did in ALLCAPS. When Robert Morris took a 28-26 lead with about 5:00 left in the first half it was, "ROBERT MORRIS IS SHOWING THEY CAN PLAY WITH THE BIG GUYS! THEY'RE NOT AFRAID OF MICHIGAN STATE!", ETC. Now look, I know 15 seeds went into the weekend 4-92 all-time and I know it would have been a HUGE story had Robert Morris upset the Spartans. But, fuck off, Gus. You had to quiet down quite a bit after State outscored 'em 25-2 (including a 21-0 run which made me wonder what the record is for unanswered points) to take a 51-30 lead now didn't you?