Somebody I know professionally (and like, actually) apparently does not know me very well as he was the source the day before yesterday of an e-mail of which he was apparently very proud and which I considered to be asinine in the extreme. Or, as we used to say when dinosaurs ruled the earth, asinine to the maximum. See also: To the Max.
It was titled, "If Patton Were Alive Today". If I had great computerin' skills I'd simply re-post it here but I don't, so I will copy the more "salient" portions. Back in a moment....
Ah. Here we go:
To ALL those whining, panty-waisted, pathetic Maggots, it's time for a little refresher course on exactly why we Americans occasionally have to fight wars.Abu Ghraib is not 'torture' or an 'atrocity'. This is the kind of thing frat boys, sorority girls, and academy cadets do to newcomers A little fun at someone else's expense. Certainly no reason to wring your hands or get your panties in a wad. Got that?
Islam a peaceful religion??? My Ass!Millions of these sons-of-bitches are plotting, as we speak, to destroy our country and our way of life any way they can. Some of them are here among us now. They don't want to convert you and don't want to rule you. You are a vile infestation of Allah's paradise. They don't give a shit how 'progressive' you are, how peace-loving you are, or how much you sympathize with their cause. They want your ass dead , and they think it is God's will for them to do it. Some think if we give them a hug or listen to them, then they'll like us... and if you agree? Then you are a pathetic dumb ass! If they manage to get their hands on a nuke, chemical agents, or even some anthrax -- you will wish to God we had hunted them down and killed THEM while we had the chance. How many more Americans must be beheaded ??You've fallen asleep AGAIN, maggots! And you may not get another chance! NOW GET OFF YOUR SORRY ASS - and pass this on to any and every person you give a damn about.. if you ever gave a damn about anything
I have agonized (not much, but a little) over how to respond to this well, shit. Here's
my first draft:
Sir:
I think the content of an e-mail says something about the person who sent it, so when I received your e-mail "If Patton were alive today," I found myself wondering, "just how big a dickhead is this guy?" And, "How would one quantify that, exactly?"
Not that it matters. We're all Americans here and because of that I will defend with every fiber of my being and until my last breath etc., your right to be as stupid as you care to be.
And make no mistake about it. You, sir, are stupid. Mercy, land's sake and Oh, My... God...in...Heaven stupid. Anyone who thinks the war in Iraq had anything to do with 9-11 is stupid or willfully ignorant, but to be honest I don't see a distinction between the two worth drawing.
Get a handle on a fact somewhere, anywhere, before you send bullshit emails like this to me.
I found it particularly vulgar and offensive that you would send this to me the same week in which we learned that our Moron-in-Chief undertook the war in Iraq for his personal aggrandizement. He wanted to be a wartime president because he thought it would make him appear in the eyes of history to be a great president. How pathetic and sad is that? What a fucking sociopath. He's mentally ill. 4,084 Iraqi war dead, 4,084 of my brothers and sisters, my fellow Americans, lie mouldering in their graves--murdered by George W. Bush. Because he thought a war would make him look like a great president.
Answer me this: Besides the dead. the wounded and the three trillion dollar tab--what is it we've gotten out of this war? Oh, yeah, I forgot. $4.00/gallon gasoline. Thanks for that.
If you think Abu Garib was a frat hazing--let them put a hood over your head and hook the battery clamps to your nipples and give it a go. Party on, dude!
But not my country and not in my name. This is America. We are the best people on earth. That, numb nuts, is why we don't torture people.
You were right about one thing. That picture of Daniel Pearl's beheading was obscene.
DO NOT SEND OBSCENE MATERIAL TO THIS COMPUTER. I WILL SUE YOU! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Thanks. Hate to go all CAPS LOCK on your ass and all--but I mean it.
Now go somewhere and fuck yourself. Better yet, if this is how you feel, why don't you grab a rifle, head on over to Iraq and shoot yourself some Muslims? Hell, you don't want to be the one wishing he'd "killed them when he had the chance" after the atom bomb goes off, do you? And don't feel bad if you have to murder a child or two while you're at it. Or a woman. Women car bomb, too. So shooting them? That's not being a coward. That's just doing all of us a favor. Shit, the Nazis didn't feel bad about killing kids. A mere expediency is all that was. Kid would just grow up to be one of the enemy, anyway. Right? If it was good enough for Nazis it should be good enough for you.
I think the content of an e-mail says something about the person who sent it, so when I received your e-mail "If Patton were alive today," I found myself wondering, "just how big a dickhead is this guy?" And, "How would one quantify that, exactly?"
Not that it matters. We're all Americans here and because of that I will defend with every fiber of my being and until my last breath etc., your right to be as stupid as you care to be.
And make no mistake about it. You, sir, are stupid. Mercy, land's sake and Oh, My... God...in...Heaven stupid. Anyone who thinks the war in Iraq had anything to do with 9-11 is stupid or willfully ignorant, but to be honest I don't see a distinction between the two worth drawing.
Get a handle on a fact somewhere, anywhere, before you send bullshit emails like this to me.
I found it particularly vulgar and offensive that you would send this to me the same week in which we learned that our Moron-in-Chief undertook the war in Iraq for his personal aggrandizement. He wanted to be a wartime president because he thought it would make him appear in the eyes of history to be a great president. How pathetic and sad is that? What a fucking sociopath. He's mentally ill. 4,084 Iraqi war dead, 4,084 of my brothers and sisters, my fellow Americans, lie mouldering in their graves--murdered by George W. Bush. Because he thought a war would make him look like a great president.
Answer me this: Besides the dead. the wounded and the three trillion dollar tab--what is it we've gotten out of this war? Oh, yeah, I forgot. $4.00/gallon gasoline. Thanks for that.
If you think Abu Garib was a frat hazing--let them put a hood over your head and hook the battery clamps to your nipples and give it a go. Party on, dude!
But not my country and not in my name. This is America. We are the best people on earth. That, numb nuts, is why we don't torture people.
You were right about one thing. That picture of Daniel Pearl's beheading was obscene.
DO NOT SEND OBSCENE MATERIAL TO THIS COMPUTER. I WILL SUE YOU! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Thanks. Hate to go all CAPS LOCK on your ass and all--but I mean it.
Now go somewhere and fuck yourself. Better yet, if this is how you feel, why don't you grab a rifle, head on over to Iraq and shoot yourself some Muslims? Hell, you don't want to be the one wishing he'd "killed them when he had the chance" after the atom bomb goes off, do you? And don't feel bad if you have to murder a child or two while you're at it. Or a woman. Women car bomb, too. So shooting them? That's not being a coward. That's just doing all of us a favor. Shit, the Nazis didn't feel bad about killing kids. A mere expediency is all that was. Kid would just grow up to be one of the enemy, anyway. Right? If it was good enough for Nazis it should be good enough for you.
Anyway, that's where I'm at on this now. I'm going to wait for a little while to calm down before I hit the "send" button. I welcome any thoughts on how best to respond.
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5 comments:
Richard,
I couldn't have responded to that shit any better myself...
I will share this: I once defended not the US, but Israel, (for reasons too boring to relay) and now consider myself a Recovering zionist.
Certain kinds of thought is purely pathological.
On a lighter note: I am now always checking middle of the AL boxscore in order to check on the Tigers....
That's thanks to you and this blog!
Patton's dead? Oh, man. And this guy knows what Patton would say? Wow. God says some crazy shit too. The dead are some pretty big talkers, boy howdy.
One bit of advice: instead of writing the gentleman who is channeling Patton, just hit the delete button. Not the delete button on your computer: an actual, yet magical delete button (Sears has them for about two grand) that, when pushed, vanishes congenital oafs. I know this really exists because I dreamed it.
++++
Way to go, Brother Rueben.
Let these assholes mess with a Detroit Redwings fan!!
(By the way, I'm fresh outa octopus.)
To amplify on MJS, if Patton WAS alive today, he would be fucking OLD!!!! He'd be so old that his respirator would need a respirator. He'd have to be one of those talking heads in a glass bottle filled with preservatives in "Futurama." For all I know, he was in one of those episodes. (I haven't watched 'em all...)
One more thing, before I forget: If Attila the Hun was alive today, he would say "Crugluk tjimpao!" which means in Hunnic "Kill everybody who's not one of us!"
(You have to admire the efficiency of the Hunnish tongue, being able to say so much with so few sounds. That a band of horseman tribes with a language of approximately 3,500 words was able to take over much of Europe and Asia -- stunning!)
Anyway, I think your e-mail friend is channeling the spirit of Attila and other noted world leaders whose given name starts with the letter "A". I hope you have a chance to tell him so!
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