Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Stories You May Have Missed

Here are a couple of items from one of my favorite websites, Wonkette.  (I list my favorite websites on the side of the page you are reading now, for your ease of use.)

The first concerns an effort by a group calling itself  the “Southern Legal Resource Center”.  They are urging Southerners to describe themselves as "Confed Southern Am" on the census form. 

From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
“A significant number of Southerners identifying themselves as Confederate Southern Americans on the Census form could finally spell the beginning of the end for the discrimination that has been running rampant, especially for the last 20 years or so, against all things Confederate, and for that matter against Southern heritage and identity in general,” SLRC executive director Roger McCredie said in a written statement.
The best comment on this story comes from one of the best commentators on teh Wonkette, "Prommie" (if that is his/her real name):

So, the theory these fucktards are trying to work is that racist redneck fucktard hillbillies are a protected class under Title 7 on account of “national origin,” in that they are descended from citizens of the confederate states of amurrica.

This is totallly fucktarded. What they should be doing is seeking protected status under the Americans with Disabilities Act, on the grounds that they are fucktarded. They could use their own legal arguments as proof they are fucktarded, in a unique application of res ipsa loquitor.

Meanwhile, it turns out Pat Sajack is a rich, right-wing gasbag!  Who knew?  Sajack is not so much for the new health care law.  I might not be much for "Wheel of Fortune" anymore.  Perhaps I should let them know.  Anyway, the point is, who cares what Pat Sajack thinks?

Some comments then:
  • Funny since Pat is probably a millionaire several times over–so worried that other folks are going to get something he already has. He needs to go back to his Playboy wife & stick to educating folks about the difference between vowels & consonants.
  • P_t S_j_k is RET_RDED  Pat I’d like to solve the puzzle.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A Quote

I heard this on "The Mike Malloy Show" tonight (March 30, 2010 edition). A listener sent it in with the comment that Dr. Martin Luther King had the Teabaggers figured out 50 years ago:

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
I love the Mike Malloy show.  You get stuff like this every night!  It airs live from 9pm-midnight Eastern time and you can stream it from the website or enjoy the brand-new MalloyVision feature whereby you can watch a radio show being performed which is, oddly, more interesting than you would think it would be. If you miss the 9pm seating, you can catch the show starting at midnight on a couple of west coast stations including, KPOJ in Portland and AM1090 in Seattle

I can safely say that Mike Malloy has had more of an influence on me than any other broadcaster I have ever come across on the dial. 

Mike used to be on the air here in Detroit before Air America fired him--the first of many, many mistakes they would make en-route to their untimely corporate demise and I'd love to get him back on the air here.  He's on live in San Fransisco and Los Angeles and we could use a little of what he has to say here in my town, too!

I urge Everybody to tune in!

Why Nashville (at) Florida Matters

Okay, in the overall scheme of things--The Big Picture as it were--it don't.  Nashville (at) Florida mattering, that is.  None of it does.  Whether or not the goddamn puck goes into the goddamn net is not going to effect world events at all or in the least.  One night a long time ago when I did hockey play-by-play for a living (as Donald Sutherland said in "Animal House", "Hey, this is my job!") I woke up in the middle of the night with the most dreadful thought: that I was wasting my life on that very thing.  That very meaningless thing: whether or not the puck went in the net.  Because, in the final analysis, who gives a damn? 


If you are following the race for the playoffs in the Western Conference of the National Hockey League as I am now that I'm being allowed back in the Press Box again to cover Red Wings games for the Michigan Talk Network, it does matter.  Detroit, in the midst of a late surge which is remarkable in its scope, is trying to chase down the Nashville club (they are named "The Predators" although presumably not in honor of Catholic priests) for the coveted 5th position in the playoffs.  All the while Detroit is trying to hold 7th-place Los Angeles ("The Kings") and 8th-place Colorado ("The Avalance--you don't want these bastards falling on you) at bay as in the NHL the top 8 teams in each conference move on to the playoffs while everybody else sees their season end and fires their entire coaching staff and most of their front-offices.  This is how hockey works.

So, with all this in mind, there I was on the internet last night trying to find a feed of the big Nashville (at) Florida game.  I came across somebody (who said he was) from Austria who showed a few minutes of it after the Sabres (at) Boston game but then switched to another game and I wondered how he could do that.  Florida was leading by a goal with under ten minutes to play and if the Panthers (that's what they call their team there in the hockey hotbed of Miami--"The Panthers") could hold that lead the Wings would remain just a point back of Nashville.  So I was stuck following the scoreboard at and watched in dismay as the scored changed to 2-2 with under 4 minutes to play and then to 3-2 Nashville in overtime.  Damn.

So the Wings fall three points back of the Predators although Detroit has 2 games in hand which is hockeyspeak for Detroit has played 2 fewer games than Nashville.

Edmonton comes to Detroit tonight and I will be there.  Hopefully I'll get to sit next to Phil Myre again.  He's a former NHL goalie who now scouts for the aforementioned Panthers.  I've sat next to him the past few games and have some stories to tell because of it.  Like the other night when he said with 4 minutes left in the 2nd period, "This game is dragging.  It feels like we should be farther along than this.  I said, "You'd be surprised at how often I hear that from the person sitting next to me at a game."

Right now, it's off to play hockey and then tonight it's off to watch hockey.

I'll close by mentioning that which I wanted to mention in the first place but only now feel comfortable in bringing up because, really, who in the hell would still be reading this by now?  Eric Cantor is an asshole.

More on that later.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Why Enunciation Matters

I had lunch with my dear friend Lori yesterday, a great gal about whom I have long said that were it not for just a few niggling little details, i.e., that I’m married, that I am old enough to be her dad and that she is physically repulsed by me, we’d be quite an item, indeed.

We try to get together for lunch every month.  We’ve been doing this for a while, long enough at least that when I phoned yesterday because I was running late thanks to my daughter but that’s another story, she asked me if she should go ahead and order lunch and when I said she should, she didn’t have to ask what I wanted because she knew because as I say, we’ve been doing this a while.

When I did get there—if I didn’t mention it I was a little late because of my daughter (who, by the way could have gotten a ride home with one of her friends instead of making me drive halfway across town, not that I’m annoyed about it or anything)—I discovered to my delight that Lori had baked cookies and, because she’s so nice, had brought me some.  “Yum, yum and woot, woot!”, I say.

So we had our lunch and our laughs. 

I opened with my best material which was this true story:  I had a sex dream about my wife a few days ago.  My wife!  Who does that?  I could understand the dream I’d had involving Christina Applegate a while back (the “Samantha Who?” Christina Applegate not the “Married With Children” Christina Applegate because that, the latter, would just be rong.  She has very nice hair by the way, in case you are curious.)  But my wife?  I thought I was over that.  I mean, we’ve been married 17 years.  I don’t have to dream it.  I can live it.  But anyway…

It was around 3 o’clock, (we had a late lunch because I have a noonish hockey game on Friday’s) and Lori asked what I had going on the rest of the day and I said Jeannie (she’s my wife and the subject of my sick little dreams) would be home around 5 and that we might go to a fish fry and Laura (who had made me a little for lunch did I mention?) had to be driven to a movie and etc. 

Then I said, “Would you like to have a cookie?”  Lori had baked some and brought them to the restaurant for me.

She got a look on her face like I’ve never seen on her face before, ever:  Surprise.  Horror.  Shock.

She said, slowly and seriously and dramatically, What did you say?”

“A cookie,” I said, “Would you like to have a cookie?”

“Oh, my god,” she said.  “I thought you said, ‘Would you like to have a quickie.’”

Whoa hey, now.  So, now I’m the one who is stunned; dumbfounded, really.  And talk about being in a fix.  If you answer “yes”, you’re a creepy old guy who’s willing to cheat on his wife.  But if you say “no”, you might hurt her feelings, and who wants that? 

I handed her a cookie and we both promised to never speak of this again.

“Do you want a quickie?”  Oh. My. God. 

One thing you can count on when it’s lunch with Lori.  There are going to be laughs, lots and lots of laugh. And maybe even cookies.  But no quickies.  Or any other “ies.”  So help me (us) God.   

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Old Guy Hockey

Tuesday, Thursday and Friday are hockey days: the days I strap on the pads, lace up the skates and spend an hour trying to stop the damn puck before it enters the damn net because if I don't it causes me to swear and take the Lord's name in vain and things of this nature.

It's called "goaltending", but as my daughter correctly points out, there really isn't a whole lot of tending going on out there, per se. Not like, say, tending as one would apply the term to gardening. Now, there you have to seed and weed and water and all like that there.

Goaltending, not so much. The net, it just sort of sits there. It does not, in and of itself, require too much attention once it has been positioned on its pegs. Occasionally--okay, more often than "occasionally" some days--a puck must be removed from it, but really, that's about the extent of it. So those terms, "goaltending" and its Canadian cousin "netminding", are somewhat misleading. One does not "mind" the net either in the circumstances outlined above or it terms of obeying what the net might have to say. (Which, if you are hearing from the net means you have a bigger problem that the already substantial issues you exhibit by being a 50+ man out there playing a boys game which involves having 3.5 ounces of hard rubber shot at 90 mph at your head and places besides your head where you'd like to get hit by 3.5 ounces of hard rubber shot at 90 mph even less.)

But, as usual, I digress...

I noticed something which I took to be interesting after the game yesterday. One guy was talking about his bad hip, another his aching back and so forth and so on. Myself, I've got a bad ankle and somebody hit me in the forearm with a puck a couple of weeks ago and now the thing is bruised from my wrist to my elbow.

Listening to all of this in The Room™ got me thinking. I really have arrived at Old Guy Hockey.

You know how I know? In Young Guy Hockey after the game in The Room™ you hear something like, "Let me tell you about the girl I (almost) banged last night."

In Old Guy Hockey after the game in The Room™ you hear something like, "Have you tried Cortizone for that?"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Louie Gohmert's Big Day

In today’s edition of “Heroes of the Right”, we proudly present for your consideration one Louie Gohmert (R-Of Course) who found himself shouting utter nonsense in public—including once in the well of the House—not once, but twice today. Cameras were there to capture it all. We’ll begin with today’s teabagger rally, an event attended by 1.2 or 1.3 million people according to FuxNews. (You can watch the video and estimate the size of the throng for your own self):

Oh, he's done. Sorry, I was busy chanting "self-executing" over and over and over again. (I am not sure why, but I suspect that's exactly what every one of the right-wing idjuts he was talking to, er, yelling at, was thinking, too.) For the record, and I'm guessing you'll hear more about this on select media outlets like Countdown and The Rachael Maddow Show because I've been listing to Randi Rhodes talk about it all afternoon, when the Rethugs controlled the House, the used the self-executing provision of the rules 40 times under Newt Gingrich and another 114 times under Dennis Hastert.

So, surprise, surprise, Gomer; the right is lying to you. Again and as per usual.

Meanwhile, Louie of Texas wasn't done with the mouth-shooting off thing. See if you can figure this out because I sure as hell can't. Maybe it's because the good representative (think his village is short an idiot?) is from Texas and is, as such, a product of the Texas public school system.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. What, exactly is that all about? Perhaps the commentator "comicbookguy" over at Wonkette has said it best:

"Hang on, so if someone eats the bill, he will vote yes? Am I the only one thinking, crazy as it is that’s one more vote? This could be the tipping point. Come on Obama, step up to the plate! What are you willing to do for the American people?"

(Read more at Wonkette:

Gotta run but I can't. My head is spinning, you see.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Show Prep

Okay, here's the deal.  I'm filling-in for the morning host on a sports talk station this week and I wanted to talk about some of the interesting items I routinely find on the "Elias Says" section at and I figured the easiest way for me to access the information while I'm on the air is to simply post it here and bring up "Everybody" while I'm on the air.  So here it is.  We in the business call this "show prep".  You might (rightly) call it stealing.

For the record, I will be on today, Friday the 12th, from 6-9am Eastern.  YOU CAN LISTEN HERE.  (Click on the "Listen Live" tab near the top of the page, of course.)

Be nice.  Try not to laugh out loud unless I happen to say something intentionally funny, okay?


Kevin Martin scored 27 points and Aaron Brooks scored 25, but that wasn't enough as the Rockets fell, 110-107, to the Pistons in overtime. It was the first time in 25 years that both starting guards on the visiting team scored at least 25 points at Detroit. (Note that neither Martin nor Brooks needed the OT period to reach the 25-point mark.) The last teammates to do so were World B. Free and John Bagley in a Cavaliers victory on April 5, 1985. The last time Detroit won a home game in which their opponents starting guards both scored at least 25 points was January 30, 1976 against the Kansas City Kings. Jimmy Walker (27) and Nate Archibald (26) were KC's guards in that game.

Jarome Iginla has recorded three hat tricks this season, all in road games. Iginla is the first player in Flames history (Atlanta or Calgary) with three road hat tricks in one season and the first player on any NHL team with three in one season since 1999-2000, when Pavel Bure of the Panthers and Petr Nedved of the Rangers each had three.

Roberto Luongo stopped 33 of 35 shots on goal in the Canucks 4-2 win at Nashville. Luongo has a 15-2-3 record with a 2.48 goals-against average in games in which he faced at least 35 shots over the last two seasons.

Jeff Deslauriers made 22 saves in the Oilers 2-0 win over the Devils, becoming only the fifth rookie ever to defeat Martin Brodeur by posting a shutout. The others were Carey Price (2008), Ray Emery (2006), Michael Garnett (2005), and Jason Muzzatti (1996).1996


The Cavaliers became the first NBA team to reach 50 victories this season, lifting their record to 50-15 with a 97-95 win over the Spurs. In each of the past two seasons the first team to win 50 regular-season games had only 12 losses at that time and then went on to win the NBA title - the Celtics having done that in 2008 and the Lakers last year.

It's the first time that Cleveland has been the first NBA team to reach 50 wins in a season.

The Hornets' 135-131 victory over the Warriors marked the first NBA game this season in which the losing team scored at least 130 points. Back in the 1990-91 season, there were 13 regulation-length NBA games in which the losing team scored 130-or-more points; but in the 19 seasons since then, there have been only 11 such games.

But rare as such games are, the Warriors have specialized in them. In fact, of the last seven regulation-length NBA games in which a team scored at least 130 points and lost, the Warriors have been the victims four times. Bay Area fans, do you remember the 143-133 loss at Portland in 1993, the 144-135 loss at Memphis in 2007 and the 154-130 loss at home to the Suns last year?

The Stars pulled a rabbit out of a hat in Washington on Monday night, beating the Capitals, 4-3, via a shootout after going into the third period trailing, 2-0, and having been outshot, 42-16, at that juncture. Since the NHL began recording shots on goal more than 50 years ago, only two other teams won a game in which they were losing at the end of the second period and had given up at least 40 shots on goal through the first 40 minutes. Oddly, the other teams to do that both won, 4-3, on the road in overtime: the Oilers on March 17, 1993 against the Rangers in New York (trailed, 3-1, and outshot, 45-23, through two periods) and the Predators on Nov. 11, 2008 at San Jose (trailed, 2-1, and outshot, 43-18, through two periods).

the Stars accomplished something that hasn't been done in quite some time against the Capitals in Washington - defeat them despite trailing by two goals at the end of two periods. The Caps had won their last 66 home games when leading by two-or-more goals heading into the third period, tied with the Wild for the longest current streak in the NHL. Their last such loss, whether in regulation, overtime or shootouts, had been more than eight years ago - on Nov. 8, 2001 vs. Carolina.


Jarome Iginla had a goal and an assist for the Flames in their 4-2 win at Detroit. Iginla's goal ended his 19-game regular-season goal drought against the Red Wings. It was the longest goalless streak versus one team of Iginla's 13-year career; his next-longest droughts were 13 games against Edmonton and Dallas. Since Iginla's last regular-season goal against Detroit on March 3, 2004, he's scored 196 goals in 378 regular-season games versus all other NHL teams.

The Maple Leafs were 0-9 in games decided by an overtime goal this season until Nikolai Kulemin scored with 50 seconds remaining in extra time to earn Toronto a 4-3 victory against Boston on Tuesday night. The Maple Leafs' nine straight overtime losses tied the single-season NHL record since the five-minute OT format was introduced in 1983-84 (ties or games settled by a shootout excluded). The mark was set by Minnesota in 2001-02 and equaled by Montreal in 2002-03.

Mikael Samuelsson recorded the first three-goal game of his nine-season NHL career to help the Canucks overcome a 4-1 deficit and beat the Avalanche in Denver, 6-4. Not only was it Samuelsson's first hat trick, it was the first time that he scored more than one goal in a regular-season road game. His seven previous multiple-goal games in regular-season play all came on home ice


Rick Carlisle has a .588 career winning percentage (376-264) as a head coach in the NBA. Only 13 men who coached at least 500 NBA games have a winning percentage as high as Carlisle's, but until Wednesday's victory over the Nets, he was the only one of them without a winning streak of at least 13 games on his resume. Among that group of coaches, Carlisle, Tom Heinsohn, Chuck Daly and Gregg Popovich are the only ones without a winning streak of more than 13 games.

The Jazz beat the Pistons for the tenth straight time, costing to victory after leading 63-43 at halftime. It was the second time this calendar year that the Pistons trailed by at least 20 points at the intermission of a game at The Palace of Auburn Hills. Detroit faced a 26-point halftime deficit in a loss to the Sixers on January 9. The Pistons trailed by 20 or more points at halftime in only one home game over previous eight years (2002 through 2009).

Chauncey Billups scored a game-high 25 points, including a pair of three-pointers, to lead the Nuggets to a win at Minnesota. Billups has made at least one three-point field goal in each of his last 33 games, one game shy of the longest streak of his career (34 straight games for the Pistons in 2005-06). The only NBA player to fashion a longer streak of that kind than this season than Billups is Houston's Aaron Brooks, who has at least one three-pointer in each of his last 36 games.

Tyler Myers scored the first goal and assisted on three others in the Sabres' 5-3 win over the Stars. Myers tied the Sabres record for points in one game by a rookie defenseman, a mark set by Phil Housley on Oct. 17, 1982 against Edmonton, in his fourth game in the NHL (also one goal, three assists).